CHILD ABUSE
“Child abuse casts a shadow the length of a lifetime”
(Herbert Ward)
“Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of overcoming it.”
(Helen Keller)
It is estimated that one in six males are molested as a child. (Refer to 1in6 for statistics, help, and resources.) Contrary to popular belief, child abuse is not limited to females, nor is the magnitude of the damage to males of a lesser degree. In an Oprah Winfrey show on male child abuse, 82% of the men in attendance had considered suicide and more than 20% had actually attempted it. Societal norms have dictated that males should be stronger, that they should “a man,” and thus there is a subtle pressure to hide the problem, ignore it, or subdue it. None of this works because the pain is too great and the wounds mark a change in the person’s normal development. While this article will look at the problem starkly, mainly from the male perspective that has been mostly ignored, it will also attempt to provide some hope and direction to all those who have been harmed by this terrible injustice. Life and dreams should not stop with the abuse!
Sheldon Kennedy’s Story
When Sheldon Kennedy was growing up in Canada playing hockey, he was abused by one of his coaches. In his excellent book Why I Didn’t Say Anything (co-written with James Grainger), he relates a story that doesn’t have the typically expected happy ending. It is an inspiring book because it doesn’t place his experiences in a box, all wrapped up with a bow.
Although Mr. Kennedy made it to the NHL, his abuser was eventually prosecuted, and he in-line skated from coast to coast to raise money for abuse victims, there were nonetheless many setbacks. In some ways it is a heartbreaking story, but it is also deeply encouraging because it better reflects the pain and suffering many victims endure.
When Mr. Kennedy described the abuse (which occurred over years), he said: “When it was happening, I would imagine that I wasn’t in body anymore. I was somewhere on the ceiling or floating around the room, aware that something terrible was happening but not really to me or my body. This is a skill that every abuse victim learns quickly – to emotionally leave the scene of the crime before the worst happens… This is what sex abuse does to a young person: it makes them question everything. The worst part is that this questioning and self-loathing and doubt happens in total isolation and loneliness.” Concerning the ongoing abuse, he said: “The longer a person is abused, the more they begin to believe that the abuse must be their fault, that they must have done something or there must be something inside them that brought on the attention.”
“You learn not to show anyone you are in pain… I trusted no one.”
“I thought that my feelings of shame and guilt and worthlessness would end when I finally achieved the dream [of playing in the NHL]… I was constantly in a state of shame and panic. I didn’t feel like I deserved to be on the same ice as the players around me…”
Later, after he began to deal with the abuse, he would describe: “I had lived with these feelings for so long that I didn’t even know what it was like to feel differently… I was beginning to learn a lesson that would take me years to accept: it takes a lifetime to heal from abuse… You relive the abuse as an adult but you still feel like a frightened confused child.”
“I was telling people that I felt better because I wanted it to be true… I had to be a hero but I wasn’t even ready to be me… The media still wanted a story with a happy ending.”
Describing how hard it is for people to understand abuse, he said: “You can’t see a bruise on the brain and on the heart, so it’s hard for people to understand the damage that abuse does to victims… I was told to get on with my life. If only it were that easy.”
It is a good book and an investment in healing.
The Sandusky Affair
“The Grand Jury conducted an investigation into reported sexual assaults of minor male children by Gerald A. Sandusky (‘Sandusky’) over a period of years, both while Sandusky was a football coach for the Pennsylvania State University (‘Penn State’) football team and after he retired from coaching. Widely known as Jerry Sandusky, the subject of this investigation founded The Second Mile, a charity initially devoted to helping troubled young boys. It was within The Second Mile program that Sandusky found his victims.” Thus began the indictment handed down by a Pennsylvania Grand Jury.
The indictment went on to describe eight victims and the alleged crimes against the boys. While Sandusky has yet to be proven guilty, it is a powerful document and the repeated stories, and Sandusky’s odd behavior and explanations, have only added to the dark cloud of suspicion.
First, there was Sandusky’s purported attraction to children and his “innocent” regard for them. After all, he founded The Second Mile to help heal disadvantaged boys. Perhaps so, but it is an old technique used to gather victims. In Betrayal, The Investigative Staff of The Boston Globe wrote of a priest who was a child predator: “[He] calmly explained to therapists how he would single out his prey, the needy children of poor, single mothers – struggling women who were thrilled to have a man in their sons’ lives…” Boys from broken homes often lack affection and attention so the predators use this need to fill their aberrant lusts. If there is any family involved, they are either thrilled that someone would show their boys attention, or they just don’t care what happens.
Sandusky “maintains he never sexually abused children and portrays himself in a New York Times interview as a father-like figure to the kids in his life… During a lengthy interview with The Times at his lawyer's home, Sandusky painted a picture of chaotic but friendly scenes involving children he described as extended family at his State College, Pa., home. There were sleepovers, wrestling matches, and children playing with dogs at the house after football games. The descriptions sharply contrast with the shocking allegations involving children outlined in the grand jury report, including [40 counts of molesting eight boys over 15 years].” (http://www.foxnews.com/)
Innocent or not, and hopefully the truth will come out, Sandusky did himself some harm in his interview with Bob Costas when he said the following: “I have horsed around with kids. I have showered after workouts. I have hugged them and I have touched their leg without intent of sexual contact. So if you look at it that way, there are things that would be accurate… Am I sexually attracted to underage boys? Sexually attracted, you know, I enjoy young people. I love to be around them. But no, I’m not sexually attracted to young boys.” The “But no” was slow in coming, and more of a self-correction.
In the Costas interview Sandusky also stated: “In retrospect, I shouldn’t have showered with those kids.” Apparently an explanation for showering with the boys was to help them with their personal hygiene. “A new lawyer on Jerry Sandusky's legal team offered up an interesting possible explanation for the former Penn State defensive coordinator's habits of showering with young boys. ‘Some of these kids don't have basic hygiene skills,’ attorney Karl Rominger, who recently joined Sandusky's defense team, told Harrisburg's abc27 News Tuesday. ‘Teaching a person to shower at the age of 12 or 14 sounds strange to some people, but people who work with troubled youth will tell you there are a lot of juvenile delinquents and people who are dependent who have to be taught basic life skills, like how to put soap on their body.’” This is a startling, and breathtakingly obtuse, excuse for years of questionable conduct and only partially addresses the many allegations against Sandusky.
This all sounds horribly familiar, and all the more painful. (Refer to A Squandered Life, Early Defining Moments) A predator once used a vulnerable period of my life, and the other boys in my similar situation, to satisfy his lusts. A second adult used the pretense of my personal hygiene to regularly grope and fondle me with much more than an altruistic desire to help me.
Sandusky’s story isn’t over, and perhaps a surprising end is in store, but there is no question this affair is a troubling, and not uncommon, issue. Hopefully some awareness will be brought to a wary public. If the news doesn’t over-sensationalize the reports, if false victims don’t take advantage of the situation, if people don’t tire of the dark side of life this situation reveals, if other issues don’t relegate the story to insignificance, and on and on – perhaps abuse of children and women will get the attention it deserves. I am hopeful, but skeptical.
The Problem
There are actually many issues associated with child abuse and the problems are as complex as the individuals involved and the circumstances of the perpetration. The main problem, though, is that an innocent child’s life is forever changed. Children are still forming their characters and learning how to be associated with the world and the people they are around. This development is stalled and mutated to something abnormal. For many there are feelings of worthlessness, vulnerability, anger, confusion, anti-socialism, pain, fear, etc. - the simplicity of a normal childhood blooming into complicated adulthood. It is a cowardly crime and the problem lies wholly with the abuser.
There is a particularly poignant paragraph in Victims No Longer by Mike Lew that states the devastation of child abuse as follows: “An abusive childhood shatters the survivor’s self-esteem, leaving him with an unrealistic picture of himself. Regardless of how he is perceived by others, his self-image is negative. He feels ugly and unlovable. Since these feelings don’t reflect objective reality, they aren’t subject to change through rational argument. Despite all evidence to the contrary, the survivor ‘knows’ he is ugly, stupid, incompetent, uncreative, weak, sick, and/or evil. When people perceive him in any other way, he takes it as evidence that he has fooled them. He can discount them because they are so easily taken in by what is, to him, an obvious deception. If they see the ugly ‘reality’ and don’t appear bothered by it, several explanations are possible – none of them positive. They are laughing at him behind his back. They are treating him kindly because they feel sorry for him. They are ‘losers’ themselves and thus not worth his time. They are enduring his presence because they want something from him. Or they haven’t perceived the full scope of his unacceptability. Any explanation that occurs to him confirms his lack of worth. That a normally perceptive and intelligent person would find him likable or desirable (in any way that isn’t harmful) is inconceivable. He never entertains the possibility that others may be correct in their perceptions of him, that they like him and want him around because he is an interesting person. He has had to rely so completely on his own view of reality that the possibility of accepting any other reeks of danger. After all, look what happened when he was subjected to the perpetrator’s definition of reality.”
Volumes more could be said here, but sometimes a multitude of words diminishes rather than enlightens. Refer to the Resources page which is intended to provide a more thorough view of the problem and the many people who are committed to right the wrongs.
Hope
No matter how long you’ve carried the pain of child abuse, now is the time to get help. It was never your fault so you don’t have to carry it, or bury it, any longer. “The worst part, the abuse, is over. Now your next step is to surround yourself with supportive loving people, and focus on the desire you have to heal yourself. This is your process. You must be gentle and patient with yourself as your healing process gently unfolds. You are giving yourself the gift of coming to life, again.” (Carol Boulware, http://www.psychotherapist.net/) “You are not alone, and in fact, in recognizing what has happened to you and speaking about your experience is one of the most vital components in the healing process. You have already taken a giant step. If you think that you have been a victim of sexual abuse, you need to take action immediately so your life will not be undermined by the past one day more. Get help.”
“It's important to talk about it. You raise awareness. But you can also prevent it (child abuse) by not letting it be a secret.”
(Chris Witty)
“…knowing you deserve to be loved and respected and empowering yourself with a commitment to try is more than half the battle. Much more. And it is never too soon — or too late — to start.”
(Andrew Vachss)
It’s your life and now is the time to take it back and make it yours again. Don’t let child abuse steal your life and keep you from meeting your dreams. If not for yourself, then do it for those around you and take a stand that abuse is not acceptable. Some statistics from http://www.childhelp.org/:
“· A report of child abuse is made every ten seconds.
· Almost five children die everyday as a result of child abuse. More than three out of four are under the age of 4.
· 90% of child sexual abuse victims know the perpetrator in some way; 68% are abused by family members.
· Over 60% of people in drug rehabilitation centers report being abused or neglected as a child.
· About 30% of abused and neglected children will later abuse their own children, continuing the horrible cycle of abuse.
· 14% of all men in prison in the USA were abused as children
· 36% of all women in prison were abused as children
· Children who experience child abuse & neglect are 59% more likely to be arrested as a juvenile, 28% more likely to be arrested as an adult, and 30% more likely to commit violent crime.”
So, cheerleading doesn’t work and you can’t just decide you aren’t going to be affected by what happened to you as a child. It isn’t that easy. Child abuse is a horrible crime against humanity and typically results in post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). PTSD is a “common anxiety disorder that develops after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal in which grave physical harm occurred or was threatened [including child abuse]. Family members of victims also can develop the disorder. PTSD can occur in people of any age, including children and adolescents. More than twice as many women as men experience PTSD following exposure to trauma. Depression, alcohol or other substance abuse, or other anxiety disorders frequently co-occur with PTSD.” (http://www.medterms.com/)
You need help. Therapy is key, but there has to be “an end.” Abuse happened in time and there should also be a resolution in time. There will be lasting affects and things that become an intrinsic part of who you are, but abuse and the pain of it should not be a lifetime sentence. Find somebody that can give you help with a discernable “end.” It may take years, and likely will, but healing from abuse should leave a faint scar, not an ugly disfiguration.
One acknowledged method for dealing with child abuse is a technique called EMDR. There may be some skepticism, but this method has proven to be very successful. “Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a comprehensive, integrative psychotherapy approach. It contains elements of many effective psychotherapies in structured protocols that are designed to maximize treatment effects. These include psychodynamic, cognitive behavioral, interpersonal, experiential, and body-centered therapies.” (http://www.emdr.com/) “EMDR psychotherapy is an information processing therapy and uses an eight phase approach to address the experiential contributors of a wide range of pathologies. It attends to the past experiences that have set the groundwork for pathology, the current situations that trigger dysfunctional emotions, beliefs and sensations, and the positive experience needed to enhance future adaptive behaviors and mental health… EMDR has a broad base of published case reports and controlled research that supports it as an empirically validated treatment of trauma. The Department of Defense/Department of Veterans Affairs Practice Guidelines have placed EMDR in the highest category, recommended for all trauma populations at all times.”
Whatever method you choose and are comfortable with, the result should be a better life, perhaps one you have never even imagined for yourself. Child abuse is heinous, but you don’t have to live with the affects of it any longer. There is hope!